“When the going gets weird, the weird go Signal.”
— HST, probably.
Welcome to the War Room, Mr. Journalist
It was a quiet Monday in March—until Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, received an unexpected digital telegram from the bowels of the Trump administration’s war machine.
The invite came through Signal, the encrypted messaging app favored by anarchists, whistleblowers, and apparently the entire executive branch of Trump 2.0. The group name? “Houthi PC small group.” A little on-the-nose, boys.
Goldberg assumed it was a mistake. But like any good war correspondent dropped behind enemy lines, he stayed. And what he saw was enough to make Nixon blush in his grave and Hillary Clinton raise an eyebrow from exile.
Inside the group chat?
- National Security Advisor Michael Waltz
- Vice President JD Vance
- Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth
- Secretary of State Marco Rubio
- Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard
- Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller
God help us all.
Plans, Missiles, and Message Bubbles
Over the next 72 hours, these high-functioning bureaucratic arsonists laid out a complete classified strategy to strike Houthi rebels in Yemen. In text bubbles. On Signal. While a journalist lurked silently among them.
Topics included:
- Types of missiles to be used
- Specifics of the March 15 airstrikes
- PR spin strategies for the American public
- European Union cost-sharing possibilities
- Whether to auto-delete the evidence (spoiler: some of it was auto-deleted)
Defense Secretary Hegseth posted something truly poetic:
“I will do all we can to enforce 100 percent OPSEC. I welcome other thoughts.”
Yes, Pete. Like maybe not inviting a member of the press into your digital war room?
Goldberg even got to read the exact airstrike plan two hours before it went live. Just enough time to fact-check, pour a whiskey, and watch the fireworks from a safe distance.
Hypocrisy, Thy Name Is Signal
There’s a certain cosmic symmetry here, like an acid trip where the punchline writes itself: the same crowd that once chanted “Lock her up!” because Hillary used a private email server just leaked live military op details to a journalist via an app known for disappearing messages.
Australian General and military analyst Mick Ryan called it “appalling.”
“This cavalier use of unsecured communication could’ve compromised an entire military operation,” he warned in a LinkedIn essay.
“In normal times, people would be sacked for this. But these are not normal times.”
Indeed, General. These are mad times.
The Signal app—blessed by privacy advocates and now misused by the government itself—was never designed for coordinating missile strikes. As Moxie Marlinspike himself joked:
“There are so many great reasons to be on Signal. Now including the opportunity for the Vice President to randomly add you to a group chat for military ops.”
OPSEC is for Suckers
Let’s be clear: This wasn’t just some Watergate-level clumsiness. This was existential negligence with a side of technocratic farce. By the time Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard was tweeting stern warnings about leaking classified info, Goldberg had been watching their every move for three days.
“Any unauthorized release of classified information is a violation of the law,” she tweeted.
And yet, there she was. Sending fireworks into the void, with a journalist tagging along for the ride.
Meanwhile, Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA) is calling for a formal investigation.
“How many other Signal chats are out there right now, broadcasting war plans to God knows who?” he asked. “We need answers. Yesterday.”
Trump: Nothing to See Here
President Trump, ever the master of plausible deniability, shrugged off the entire scandal at a press conference.
“I don’t know anything about it,” he said.
“I’m not a big fan of The Atlantic. I think it’s going out of business.”
Classic misdirection. Say nothing, deny everything, attack the press. Wash, rinse, signal, repeat.
Final Transmission from the Twilight Zone
So what have we learned?
- Trump’s top brass are using Signal to plan airstrikes.
- They invited a journalist by accident and didn’t notice for three days.
- They discussed top-secret information while messages auto-deleted like Snapchat confessions.
- They’re the same people who weaponized the concept of “email security” for political gain.
- The entire military-industrial complex may be one group chat away from total implosion.
In the words of Thompson: “Buy the ticket, take the ride.” Except this time, the ticket may be a push notification. And the ride could start a war.
Further Reading:
- Signal: The App That Just Became the Pentagon’s Favorite Blunder
- Jeffrey Goldberg’s Full Report at The Atlantic
Stay tuned. And maybe, keep your phone off.
